Febuary 11, 2012

I feel that my body and mind is breaking down more than ever these days. I’m starting to forget things and started avoiding the real world so I can get lost and be safe inside my own head. I feel so physically and mentally drained, and unmotivated that it feels as if I’m a sleepwalker just drifting by this world…. I thought I was doing pretty well this year and I thought things were looking up, but right now, it is as though I have caught a nasty flu and am slowly rotting away in my own filth. I am so frustrated and repulsed by everything.  It’s nearly driving me mad to have to wake up everyday to find myself still trapped in this black box.I want to blame everything on the world these days, but I know that i am the one being spoiled and immature.

It’s been nothing but turmoil since I decided I wanted to become an artist, but I have already accepted that this is my purpose in life and I would not settle to do anything else… People are always telling me that I am so strong, but in actuality, I am weak, jealous, selfish, too prideful, and insecure. Art feels so meaningless, and yet, my stubborn instincts won’t let me give up on it…