These days, i’ve been thinking a lot about my life…my childhood, my recent experiences, my dreams, my goals… my future.
I’m at a stand-still where I feel like I should be doing so much more; i’m filled with big dreams and potential, and yet, i’m doing nothing but distracting myself with petty little things and giving myself stupid excuses not to do them.
I’m sitting inside a dark cave, pacing restlessly within the range of my own comfort. I could feel myself slowly dying in my own filth, and yet, my body is so reluctant to even budge and make a move. I am locked inside a tower and looking out into the world behind glass windows, yearning to feel the sun on my skin, yet so afraid of getting burned.
My friends call me paranoid, but truthfully, I think i’m just scared to face the real world.
I’m afraid to be all alone, to fall down and make mistakes. I’m so afraid of change, but I feel it’s tides inching closer and closer upon my shores. i could feel the shadow hovering trepidatiously above me, and i could only dread the inevitable cold, dark water crashing down upon me…
I’m turning 21 soon, and i’m not too happy with the level that i am at concerning my artistic abilities and the way i carry myself.
I dont want to marry a rich man or have to depend on anybody. I want to be successful in my own right and be able to take care of myself and the ones who i hold dear. I was pretty confident that I would be able to find a job with a steady income and settle down in a nice, warm house with a garden with my true love and a pretty little cat by the time i’m 30… but i’m starting to feel that dream crumbling…becoming more and more distant…
How can i make my dreams come true if i keep cowering and denying every job opportunity i get and when i can’t even talk to or even look at my crush? It’s so pathetic…
I realized this year, how narrow-minded, pretentious and selfish i am. all my life, things have came to me so easily and i took it for granted… I think i can feel the karma biting me in the ass now… Sigh…
Well, i’m done with wallowing and rolling around in my own filth. It’s okay to get hurt… it’s okay to be wrong…I’m going to get up and try really hard not to be afraid…I’m going to be brave… I’m going to change…
- tinfoilrose reblogged this from sssjin
- clastaroid likes this
- beckymyang said: thank god I’m not the only one that feels like this. except i don’t know how to change. i just get more cynical and pessimistic LOL. OTL
- varziel likes this
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- spillerilla said: I’ve been trying very hard to be brave lately. It’s worth the effort, I think. Don’t give up xx
- apfelastrid said: This hit me right in the heart. It was as if reading my own thoughts, that I have been pushing away for so long.
- corvusnoir likes this
- broodingdaisies said: oh this made me tear up a bit, you have no idea how much i empathize…
- sssjin posted this